YET IN MY FLESH SHALL I SEE GOD

I have been reading a great deal of Darwinism and evolution these few days and I'm quite entranced by our origin. Although there is no conflict between religion and evolution, I can't help thinking that God must be quite a bungling fool if everything seems to be done by trial and error. Genesis says God saw that whatever he created was good. But the more I understand evolution, the more I see the imperfections of all species. An intelligent Creator wouldn't have created humans the way we have evolved. Evolution makes do with the body that we have and builds on it. If there is a Creator and he employs such a means of "creation", he can't have given much thought to the whole thing. He is either not bothered about his creation or he is a bungling fool or he does not exist.

My mind tells me of course God does not exist. Tonight, I chanced on a shelf containing some of my old song books that I used to sing. The first few books were Bach's cantatas. Next to them, stood a thick volume of Handel's oratorios. It's amazing that I used to be able to sing all these and they're written for soprano voice. And it was not that long ago when I sang them - less than a year ago. I took out my clarinet and played one of Handel's pieces. It was in E major. Drat it! I'd have to mentally transpose it to F#. I played it once through and it was so beautiful I played it again, and again. I could remember every word as I played even though I looked only at the musical notation and not the words. Mozart said that the clarinet was the instrument that was closest to the human voice and he was spot on. It was amazing!!! I played my clarinet and it was really my voice (before it broke) - singing soprano. The words were loud and clear - it was quite surreal. I heard my old voice again and every word uttered distinctly.

Those of you who have sung oratorios will know that lines are often repeated many times. I used to think the repetitions of lines that were so common in Baroque and Classical singing were meant to fill up the space for the music.
When I played the line "And though worms destroy this body, Yet in my flesh shall I see God / Yet in my flesh shall I see God", I just knew I was in communion with God. The scales fell from my eyes when I sang it with my clarinet. The first "Yet in my flesh shall I see God" is intended to sound doubtful and tentative. When it is repeated, it becomes definite and emphatic. That's precisely it!!! We are always assailed and buffeted by doubts but Handel through his music is telling us in an emphatic voice "YET IN MY FLESH SHALL I SEE GOD".

I felt I had communed with God and all I had with me were my clarinet, the music stand and Handel's score. Those were all I needed to hear the voice of God and to chase away the clouds of doubt. I have lost my voice for good. I will never sing soprano again - and thank God for that!!! But my voice will always remain in my clarinet even when I'm 100 years old.

I always find Handel more meningful than Bach and the other composers, possibly because Handel wrote in English and it's easier to understand him. When I was in Dresden last December, I heard Handel sung in German. The Germans wanted to claim Handel as their own, but I think they're wrong. Handel loved England and he became English and wrote all his oratorios in English and wrote pieces for the English King. He lived, worked, died and was buried in England.

Whenever I feel God to be distant and unreal, I know what to do. Get my clarinet and Handel's music. Yet in my flesh shall I see God.